The Show Must Go On
Check out my Spotify playlist here.
I was not in a great head space when I last wrote. It turns out that my mind knew something was wrong before my body began to show the evidence. I am enduring a massive flare-up of endometriosis, and despite being on the pill continually I have been experiencing extremely heavy breakthrough bleeding for days on end. I spoke to my doctor yesterday and he instructed me to take four pills for three days, then three for three, two for three, and then back to my usual dose. I’m one day in with this regimen but I’m happy to report that it’s working. And while the PMS that I thought was well within my rearview mirror was not a pleasant thing to endure, nor was the cramping and bleeding, I’m at least relieved to know that I’m clearly not yet in menopause. So hey, that’s a silver lining for you. As some of my friends and colleagues tell me, I’m the youngest 50-year-old they know, and I guess my body is doing its best to hang on to that.
This experience does illustrate to me how profoundly connected the mind is to the body. My mood was absolutely wretched as my hormones were raging. I hadn’t felt that depressed or agitated in a while and couldn’t quite make sense of it. Somehow, my mind was showing the symptoms days before my body decided to clue me in. I don’t believe in cause and effect, so I don’t believe that my depression is what caused the flare-up. I do, however, find it fascinating that these physiological changes had such an impact on my outlook. I apologize to anyone who was in my presence over the past few days. I wasn’t pleasant to be around. All I can say is, I didn’t enjoy being myself during that time. I do still find it a damn shame that I don’t have a boyfriend. These hormones have made me become a solid C cup overnight, and it’s too bad that nobody but my cats is getting to see them. But then again, I’m not exactly feeling sexy. Also, because of the hormonal changes, I again have to use that roach poison to keep my angry uterus from enraging my vagina. So yeah, I guess it’s better to be single right now.
Despite feeling horribly, this past weekend a friend brought me to see the Philly production of Hamilton. People, it is worth the hype! Of course, I teared up during the final few scenes, which was unavoidable given the mental state I was in - not to mention the excellent music and performances of the cast. Even so, that experience reminded me that it’s possible to find joy and resilience in a moment when it feels the world is coming to an end. Although I spent the first few days of my work week going nonstop, while I was simultaneously bleeding nonstop, I’m proud of myself for having the strength to do that thing I do and just power through. Even my own show must go on. To celebrate this, I have found myself listening to show tunes over the past few days. There’s nothing like a good bit of theatrics to lift the mood.
